body love

 I’ve always had a really poor view of my body. I’ve never been overweight but I’ve also never really considered myself thin and I think the last time I was comfortable naked in front of a mirror I couldn’t even walk yet.

When I’ve been at my lightest, I’ve always wished I could be 1-2kg lighter. I’ve never been truly happy. When I’ve been at my heaviest, I’ve punished my body to try to be slim again.

I have been beating myself up a lot recently because I’m unable to exercise for reasons that are so far beyond my control and my body has changed significantly.

On a day that I was feeling particularly low about myself last week, an article popped up in my inbox with a couple of questions:

Have you ever met someone who has hated themselves skinny and had healthy, long lasting results? 

No. No I haven’t.

And the opposite, has anyone ever loved themselves fat. Has true, authentic love for themselves led to massive weight gain?

Doubtful.

These questions have stopped me dead in my tracks. For the last 16 or so years I have been comparing the way I look to others and agonising over why I don’t have long legs/skinny arms/smaller boobs/a more defined waist. I have had meltdowns after catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I leave to go out for the night totally destroying my self-confidence for the evening.

This poor self-view has been the source of my poor eating habits, my insecurities around the way I feel other people view me. The reason why some days I wish I hadn’t looked in the mirror before I left for work because it completely ruined my day.

For all of the nasty people I’ve met in my life, I could never have considered myself to be the meanest person I know. But when I think about it, I’ve been really awful to myself for a really long time.

I suppose this is the part where I tell you that article has changed all of that, that I’ve had an epiphany and suddenly I’m happy with the way I look. Well, it’s not really that easy. What it has done is really brought my attitude to my attention. I am more aware of the thoughts circling through my busy brain trying to take me down. I have had a conversation with some of those thoughts and have let them know that actually, they’re not welcome here any more so they’d better find somewhere else to live.

I am embracing the concept of Radical Self Love. I choose to no longer believe these thoughts and I am repairing the damage they have caused me. This is a (very nearly) 30 year old body. It has been a home and given birth to two precious children, taken me on adventures and played a vital role in my sporting endeavours. It has endured countless nights out, music festivals and concerts and has only let me down a couple of times. It’s been through quite a lot.

Now, it’s time for me to reward this little body for a job so far well done, I choose only to allow beautiful, helpful, constructive thoughts about the way I look reside in my head. Food is no longer going to be a tasty lamb shoulder to cry on, I will use it to fuel and nourish me and to connect with the beautiful souls around me. I will bend and stretch and move and play.

I will show myself a whole lot of love because I am truly, fucking magnificent!

From the weekend – food, friends, bread and an antipodes bottle

Two of my dearest friends came to stay with me this weekend. We ate dinners, breakfasts, lunches and desserts. I’m pretty sure we did some shopping because I have new dresses in my wardrobe but I think I was in too much of a food coma to remember purchasing anything other than food.

It really was a weekend for eating. These amazing girlies are two of the most ambitious foodies I know. Never one to shy away from a really fantastic meal or a dessert challenge!

We enjoyed a meat festival at Hartsyard on Friday night. In hindsight, we probably could have listened closer to our lovely host when she stated “you guys do know you’ve only ordered meat dishes, yeah?”. Um, yes. We like meat. Don’t judge us!

Twenty minutes later, after poutine, fried chicken and pulled pork – BAM! Meat Sweats! While I’m pretty sure I died and went to slow-cooked-animal heaven, I will probably at least order something plant based on my next visit.

Our first breakfast of the weekend was at Bread and Circus which was excellent because I woke up with a meat-hangover and wasn’t entirely sure I could stomach a huge fry up. Cue truffle eggs and Maddy is a happy camper. Not to mention my favourite coffee roaster is in the same building which meant Maddy is an even happier camper. Then I realised they have antipodes on their drinks list so I promptly ordered a bottle (because I’m a little strange and just want the beautiful bottle the water comes in). I left blissed out on coffee, truffle oil and sparkling water. The girls left with about 4 loaves of bread from Rosetta Stone.

I love you Campos
That’s a happy Maddy

We strolled through Newtown during the day and eventually made our way to Bodega for dinner. This beautiful little restaurant is fast becoming one of my fave spots in Sydney. While it’s only the second time I’ve been there, the team are so unbelievably, delightfully helpful – the food is pretty terrific as well!

Because I hadn’t put enough strain on my arteries this weekend, we decided to step it up a notch and join the ridiculously long line for Gelato Messina. We waited it out because I know that my pretty guests would have gladly eaten Messina for breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert had they been given the opportunity.

All of a sudden it was breakfast time again. I managed to down two coffees at Three Blue Ducks and push my bacon and egg burger around the plate a couple of times. The three of us sat there staring vacantly at our meals, exhausted and unable to chew or speak intelligibly. We gave up and walked towards Bronte beach, stopping on the way for a few more loaves of bread because, well, BREAD. We may have also stopped by Salt, Meats, Cheese for some salt, meats, cheese and BREAD on the way home too because people, if there is going to be an apocalypse, you better have the bread situation sorted!

Ok, so I know I’m harping on here about how incredible the food from the weekend was. But what truly made my weekend was spending quality, uninterrupted time with two of the most darling women in my life. I love these two to pieces because not only do they share my appreciation for three types of cooked animal in one night, I just feel so comfortable when they’re around. They make me see that my quirks and idiosyncrasies are something that I should celebrate because they are right there celebrating them with me.

My darling guests eventually had to leave and so departed for the long trip back to the ‘Berra, car laden with treats (among all of the bread) and I decided to finish my weekend off with a quick dip in the ocean – dicey I know, I nearly sank to the bottom!

It makes me feel really happy to be sitting on the train on a Monday morning, falling asleep because my body is still processing all of the awesome from the weekend x